Chapter Six - Decisions of the Heart

Xander walked into his room with a sigh, as a million thoughts filled his mind. It would have been easier if Amy had made him forget everything, but despite the decisions he had to make, he wouldn't have wanted her too. Of course, his decisions were second in his mind right then because he had finally kissed Buffy. Only in his dreams had he ever thought that he would have ever done that, but it wasn't really a true kiss despite all the passion and intensity from he had felt. If it had been true, it wouldn't have taken a spell to make it happen.

He thought of Cordelia and wondered where did they stand now? He had broken up with her, but that was during the spell and as far as she was concerned the break up was invalid. What he didn't understand with Cordelia was what made her go through such extremes for him to care about her, when he already did. Honestly, Xander could admit that he didn't love Cordelia at least in that way, but he truly cared for her. Maybe she wanted more from him than he could even give to her. Maybe she wanted his heart, but to give her that he couldn't do, and wasn't sure if he could ever do such a thing. His heart wasn't his to call his own, and it hadn't been for awhile. Ever since Buffy had come into his life, she had been a permanent mark in all of his thoughts…created a permanent spot in his heart. Xander knew that for his heart and soul to be found, they had to be found by her because to him, his heart was hers. His heart was Buffy's.

He picked up his telephone receiver and was about to dial, but he quickly hung up the phone. He couldn't do it. He couldn't call Buffy. Xander still felt the sting that lingered on-and-off from that still healing wound of the day when Buffy had broken his heart by rejecting him. He wasn't sure if he could take another such blow, and he wasn't sure if his lost heart could either. Besides, despite the fire that he had felt when his lips met hers, he had very little doubt that Buffy still loved Angel and still yearned for his return.

Angel, Angel, Angel, it was always Angel! Never was there a barrier so great, than he was, and never was there such a foe. Xander often found himself wondering, if there hadn't been an Angel, would he have stood a better chance to have Buffy to call his own? There were so many supposes and maybes and what-ifs in his life that he always threw that thought in the middle of it all, so that he could think of it later and probe and search for an answer that couldn't be found.

Xander scoffed softly thinking that Angel's presence was always going to be the key. When he was there, it was 'Xander who?' And now, since Angel was there, it wasn't any longer, that, but rather like 'Xander, Angel's gone.' Not like minded his shoulder being the one she cried upon, he didn't in the least. He was glad that lately they had a very close friendship, whether it be because of Angel or not, Xander didn't care. He was just glad that they were such good and close friends. His philosophy was that if he couldn't love Buffy, as he wanted to, he could love her, as she wanted him to, as a friend.

As he began to think about friendship, Xander couldn't help but think that the girl he was dating had never, ever been his friend in the first place. For long as he could remember, he had hated Cordelia, and in some aspects still did, but what was he doing but having make-out scenes with her? He didn't know how he succeeded in hating and liking Cordelia at the same time, except for the reason that he had some psychological disorder, but didn't anyone that dated Cordelia have one of those?

Xander knew that Cordelia wasn't the one, and he knew that she knew it, too, but for now, they had each other. He supposed that had to have some significance, but he did feel like he was lying not only to her, but also to himself while being with her. Sure, they ad their moments of passion, but there was nothing between them but that, a passion that would sooner or later burn out. One day, he knew that one of them, if not both of them, were going to decide to blow their flame of desire out...for good.

What they had together wasn't even really a relationship, but rather it was only tangible enough to be called one. If they had one to speak of, they would like each other more than they despise each other, and he would have some inclination to want to fall in love with her instead of being in love with a vampire slayer that was in love with a vampire. Yeah, their relationship was awkward, and at times very peculiar, but it was all they had, and having that was better than having nothing at all.

Xander reached for the phone and began to dial Cordelia's phone number, but just when he was about to press the last digit, he slammed the receiver down in indecision. No, he couldn't call her either. He would be lying to her if he did, after all, he wasn't in love with her, and he barely liked her enough to say that he liked her. Xander was in a confused state of mind as he fought indecision trying to find logic in love and in passion, but there is no logic in either world, and he was beginning to see that. After a few minutes of thoughtful silence, Xander picked up the phone, and began to dial. He knew what he had to do.